I struggle. A lot. On paper I have a pretty good setup, a lot of things going for me. And even in practice, I really do have a good time. I am active, busy, can afford to participate in many things I love and enjoy. I have been blessed with some of the most straightforward, honest friends. I have been blessed with a family who loves me. And both do nothing but push me to reach my potential as a man, and as a human. But first and foremost I am infinitely Loved by my God and Creator. That is something that I will never lose, even if I try my hardest to lose it. All of these things are present in my life. And I still struggle.
I struggle for many reasons, but I want to highlight one particular one right now: my selectivity. Despite everything listed above, I still go through stretches where I think that I think best. I know best. I am the best. And instead of trying to conform myself to the Truth God has placed around me and in my surroundings, I am constantly trying to bend my surroundings and circumstances to me. My broken version of reality, my leaky vessel, shouldn’t be the centerpiece from which my actions spill out. I pick and choose through options like a catalog, weighing what I think will end up best for me, and trying to juggle as many “positive” scenarios as I can until one works out for me. This is generally around the time I realize the lack of fulfillment my journey has rendered me.
What am I aiming to feed through these journeys? My reputation? My desires (of which many are fostered through repeated forays into temptation)? Yes. I think. Both. And what is funny are the ideals I believe in, the message Jesus lived thousands of years ago, isn’t selective. It doesn’t have any exceptions. It knows no bounds. The Christian ideal, the Christian intention behind my actions is restless. It never sleeps. I just choose to ignore it from time to time. And I shouldn’t. And I realize it is impossible for me to be on my “Christian game” 24/7…but what an awesome idea! How much easier would my life be if I didn’t have to stop to “weigh my options”, but instead just chose to pursue the course of action that most closely resembled the Right thing to do.
In approaching a stranger, God’s word should rule. When I find myself in an unfamiliar setting, God’s word should rule. When my close friend asks me for some advice on a tough issue, God’s word should rule. When courting a woman, God’s word should rule. In the middle of a crowd, and when I am alone, God’s word should rule. It will not stand to be put into a box and saved for when it is convenient or when it makes me look good. It is boundless.