The small voice in the back of my head knows.
It knows and in its smallness it hates that it knows; there is more than I can fit.
There is so much more than I can fit into my plans and my dreams, my experience will never be an adequate frame it seems.
It is the hardest pill to swallow.
Full of humility and acceptance, it feels like I’m shoving a boulder down my throat.
And the only way I will be able to digest it’s meaning is if it blows out my esophagus first.
I am left with two choices: continue living, refusing to understand, or open my heart and mind like a true man.
Weighing these it seems an easy choice.
On one hand, continued existence.
On the other, death via exploded esophagus.
The right way is so crippling to someone with as weak a throat as me.
I’d rather not swallow that pill and continue my existence in apathy.
What if I ingest that vessel and let it take root inside me splattering my throat against the wall on its way down I imagine falling to the floor in my newfound freedom I realize something profound as I slowly lose sight of the shocked faces around I can’t live two lives A simple thought I feel them try to cover the jagged bleeding hole in vain they don’t understand I must be engulfed in my fear What I truly desire can’t come into place if its spot is taken by such arrogant a throat that has only ever uttered disgrace Perspective That’s what it has always hinged on The blood flows out just as the air seeps in for good reason It seems the skin stretched across my neck was never meant to selfishly corral what the collective of human understanding has deemed ‘necessary for survival’ So I shift away from the thought that a throat is even important let alone necessary You can accept that an intact windpipe is ‘comfortable’ although you would find the wording strange But ‘frivolous’ is a word you would never connect Stop trying to save me Stop peeling chunks of my skin off that wall and hoping you can patch this wonderful hole just below my face a window to my soul I want to tell them what they’ll never know.
It’s so much easier to breath this way.