I Didn’t Choose to Lose My Best Friend

Freeze.
Capture the moment of detonation
and bottle it within a glass container
composed of the see-through pure intentions
of your actions.

Shackle it down.
The blurred edges and sharp
lights of a blast befriended
and held close to a heart
I kept hidden.

It seems only the enviable world
of memory and thought can
exclude the explosion.

Those shattered shards of your
honesty uncovered my heart after
that detonation was allowed
its destiny. Clear, crystal,
pulsating memoirs framed in the
seeping red of my regretful truth.

I cry discernment and I cry it
was an attempt at honesty and
accuracy. I cry knowing I
was only doing something I had
never before because you
were something I had never had.

You gave reason to the meaningless
parts of me, parts I now know define.

I don’t pat myself on the back
for doing the “right thing”.
I don’t take solace in the fact
that I’ve followed my heart of hearts.

There is no consolation or solace.
It seems I cannot fathom
even the plateau
without first the pit.

I’m nothing more than an
animation of my actions
past and present.
A web of maybe’s and try’s
and give-it-my-best’s
dictating my direction,

dictating the impact I have.

You said
I didn’t chose to lose my best friend.

I did.

I did knowing the grey hallways I was
banishing myself to,
betting on a different
door, not better,
not in control.
Hopefully just more aware.

Know I think of you often
knowing that it doesn’t mean anything
to you now.
Know that I wish the best for you
knowing that emotional letter can
never be fully written.

Know I continue to try and love you
even after ripping out the core.
My heart turns inside out when your
ghost meets me in the silence forcing
me to cry out,
Leave! Don’t you know I banished you?
Be gone!

Those words harvest more of my being
each time they are uttered in desperate
certainty.

I should just leave it be.

I should I should I should I
Should i Should i Should i

I’m scared.

Not for either of us
now, after.
Moving on and
hopefully
up.

I’m just scared I never gave us
the chance to break.

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