An irrevocable loss.
It has me begging the walls in the
room I retreated to: why?
A why too big to fit in my head.
I could release the pressure with words,
utterances of soft memories,
though I can’t manage a sound lest
I burst into tears. So it is left to
push and push and imprint and
graft itself onto the inside of my skull.
I do not mean:
The loss of life so young; (but why?)
The randomness of pain so suddenly sprung; (but why?)
The inequity of reason in the face of what words deem a tragedy but embraces and uncontrolled quivers know to be so much more.
I’ve a learned peace regarding the mystery of God’s symphony and His unknowable score.
I do mean:
Our scrambling to keep sentiments stifled;
How easy it is to soak in the spiteful;
The inequity of our presence in the face of what our accounts would deem real relationship but anxiety and uncontrolled longing know to be so much less.
Why does it take death for our true feelings to be confessed?
He was known. He was loved.
He knows all this to be true now that he is apart, above.
It is my hope he will also see all that his absence has taught me:
To never look back on another life near mine with regret.
All I give is what I will get:
I realize now existence is a waste if you cannot see the sweat
Framing your spiritual brow from all the effort put forth in debt
To all of those you deem to love. Indifference is an insidious threat.
The sky we once shared is now more clear;
A sky to which your perspective is now drowned
As you pass from air-dependence to other-waters pioneer.
My heart, while breaking in this crater, has now been found.