Crucify Him

I don’t sleep much anymore
I find myself starting in the dark
My bed and four walls ridicule me
In their inanimate ways
Faint wood worn cries resonate in
This space so saturated with my doubt
“Crucify him, crucify him, send him to his death!”
Insentient echoes fade in and out of
Memory and insomnia the same

I look back on that day
I remember the hoarseness of my shout
My voice woven in with all the others
Carried so much clout

We held the law
This man was trying to overthrow
We were the authority
Though now I fear it was all for show

I remember how I stood there
Watching this man condemned
Though he looked less a criminal
And more a downtrodden friend
Though that thought was stifled out
By the rising fever in the crowd

There was no way of knowing
Whether he was the Son of God

Though we knew
Before he came before us which path
He would take
The choice was easy

A stranger over our pride we would forsake

Reflecting back through time and space
I hear our accusations and see his peaceful face
Yet through the cries and through the jeers
I wade through façade and face my fears
I enter the room deep beneath my heart
Where I’ve housed my truest feelings from the start

And in this room where my essence dwells
I find a note scratched in the wall
Fatigued and honest is its scrawl
Its hand I recognize as my own
Desperate to its master disown

I’m suddenly drawn back out from this room
By the kinetic actions in the court
Less a fair trial and more human
Cruelty turned to sport

I see myself in memory crying out
“Crucify him, crucify him,
Send him to his death!”
My spit flying through the court
Hatred and laughter on my breath.
And while I see myself
Exhaling these accusing tones
I delve back to read that message
Etched deep beneath my bones

Each word falls off the wall in agonizing clarity

“This man is truly who he says
His grace is without bound
Tear down your walls
Oh lost child now found.”

Barreling back I come to the present, my
Bedroom turned cell. The walls closing
In again, my past actions my hell.
Those who I treaded over as they wept,
The acorn of faith aside I swept,
As I realize the extent of my fall, the depths!
And it’s through the panic and sweat
Of another sleepless night in regret
That I grab hold of my only solace:
The rock of a promise kept.

I stood smiling as I sent Jesus to the cross
Now I’ve no choice but to somehow accept
The forgiveness offered me by his loss.

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