Black Denizen

Scorched earth blot
remains of an uncoupled creature
pulled from the patchwork left to rot

Nothing but the sinew and the bone
off the back porch of a brain
where the weeds started to grow

Twisted child of stars and red-black pits
casualty of an ungovernable civil war
wormed eye holes and insubordinate atoms

Overturned epitaph making science a mockery
what ungodly vex
all signs correlate with sorcery

Unwitnessed agonized crawl
second first breath to second demise
what impact this existence if any at all?

Black denizen decomposing into vitamins
corrosion evoking emotion seeping into mind’s dirt
undiagnosed urgency of the threat of lifelessness

Missing You (Reprise)

Arrow notch and furl
After all she’s just a girl
Slipping on ice

The only way to grip is to destroy the sheen

Arrow loose and fold
After all I’m not that bold
Choosing distance over the mire

I told myself I’d kiss you but I didn’t

And I’m trying to undress you
Of all the clothes I’ve put you in
I’m trying to see you clearly
Not as just another again

Broken record actions chained
To tides insubordinate to the moon
This pattern’s drained

Though I think your laughter holds the key
To breaking every idea I have of me
And of you and of what the word
Together means

No longer do I look for solace among the weeds

I think your laughter holds the key
Listen to that statement as if I’m speaking
Outside of you from outside of me

It’s unbridled pitches suggest a beauty
It’s dialogue with your presence suggests
An origin from without either of us

An origin that puts to shame all constructs

For the first time now I think I’m missing
Something beyond the corners of my lust

The Whaler

The strands falling over your face
Help me keep pace
I brush away doubt as I do your hair

Locked lips rendering all else dust
Your eyes are orbs absorbing my trust
You close my fingers around an orchid blue

We both know the reason our eyes
Are seas overflowing beneath uncertain skies
Understanding’s weight is more than our skulls can take

You watch from the docks as my heart starts quaking
The surroundings fall away as a kaleidoscope breaking
Colorful swirls of existence splinter around your outstretched hand

Months later I gaze up the ship’s mast
I imagine the great tree it once was before it’s final die was cast
Peculiar thoughts of journeys and fate drift over the water

Later still, as the ship’s hull bursts upon the storming sea
I clutch the flower that you had entrusted to me
Knowing my choice no less a mistake than the day I first took your waist

Though this fact threatens to break my will
I trust the orchids to bloom blue still
Beauty was never ours to determine, simply ours to partake

Rose Bushes

I hear she’s running out again.

And I know you thought I said you shouldn’t give up
But you didn’t listen close enough

I told you not to give in.

I hear she’s running love again.

Realize you’re captive to an unwilling master
Allowing a blind author to write
your masterpiece

Finite fingers fumbling infinite reigns.

But I understand.
You wanted to live.
That’s what you came for.

Once, twice, and again

But think back.
It has only ever killed you.
That’s all you came for.

Once, twice

And every desperate time.

Re: You Can’t Love In Reverse

In the assembly line of my mind
the workers have somehow managed
a coup. With eyes of mutiny they
select only the finest of memories
as their reflexive fingertips graze
the jumble of dids and didn’ts running
past them amidst the hum of my churning
synapses. As I watch this rebellion unfurl,
and the number of fond moments brought
back to my attention grows, I run amidst
the factory floor, scrambling and screaming
at them. “Remember that we are building for
the future! These old parts, however nice, are
outdated and the danger of exposing them to
consumers is too high!” My words echo about
as I stand in front of a younger one, the
scent of lavender I ripped from her hands
rolls on the floor between us. The
other workers turn to me, hands gripping
old sunrises, their eyes of mutiny suddenly
shedding tears. They can’t comprehend the
potential loss of life, the lawsuits
that would come flooding in if we
shipped out these old parts. They only know
the shape of smiles and the sound of laughter.
They only know what I didn’t back then; that
some things are worth grabbing onto and pulling
out of the rubble. I stand among them, no
longer angry. Simply pondering how to best word
my next company wide email.

Found

An irrevocable loss.

It has me begging the walls in the
room I retreated to: why?
A why too big to fit in my head.
I could release the pressure with words,
utterances of soft memories,
though I can’t manage a sound lest
I burst into tears. So it is left to
push and push and imprint and
graft itself onto the inside of my skull.

Why?

I do not mean:
The loss of life so young; (but why?)
The randomness of pain so suddenly sprung; (but why?)
The inequity of reason in the face of what words deem a tragedy but embraces and uncontrolled quivers know to be so much more.

I’ve a learned peace regarding the mystery of God’s symphony and His unknowable score.

I do mean:
Our scrambling to keep sentiments stifled;
How easy it is to soak in the spiteful;
The inequity of our presence in the face of what our accounts would deem real relationship but anxiety and uncontrolled longing know to be so much less.

Why does it take death for our true feelings to be confessed?

He was known. He was loved.
He knows all this to be true now that he is apart, above.
It is my hope he will also see all that his absence has taught me:

To never look back on another life near mine with regret.

All I give is what I will get:
I realize now existence is a waste if you cannot see the sweat
Framing your spiritual brow from all the effort put forth in debt
To all of those you deem to love. Indifference is an insidious threat.

The sky we once shared is now more clear;
A sky to which your perspective is now drowned
As you pass from air-dependence to other-waters pioneer.
My heart, while breaking in this crater, has now been found.

Pulpit

I implored:
“What’s the function of a task?”
“To help me reach the heavens.”

That’s a pradigm tossed
We’re picking at two seperate locks
Isn’t that a dillema

Gilded and groomed
Fashion consumes
How beautiful and bold
Our inverted souls

Heaven should be a side effect.

Underwater Sunrise

it was a control issue

the kids splash
and the many assassin droplets pay my dry coral yells no heed as they deliver wet letters of death to my retinas

measured malevolent mortars prove perfect destractions to teachers’ instructions 

i hope dad gets here soon

fingers wet (obviously) can hardly grip the edge let alone my sanity during flutter kicking excersises

it was a control issue

i never wanted water
dad put me there
didn’t he know what i was missing during those lessons
i didn’t but i could’ve had i not been there
fun things safe things land things

i wanted goggles
mom didn’t get me any
since i had to be there i could at least see
but aforementioned complications made that impossible

if only dad witheld and mom provided..
that venn diagram was inverted and even now i wish young past panicky me realized that was a viable metaphor maybe that would have swayed their insistence i swam

it was a control issue

i had none
i had water in my eyes resentment in my heart and i am unwilling to admit to realizing

that i’m no better now than i was then simply replace water or swimming with whatever you like but the most common theme lately has been sense of purpose yeah that fits the bill others constantly seeming to throw off any inkling of plan and aspects of authority pulling me places i dont want it was a control issue and still is a control issue and issuing this decree may seem paradoxical as i am both the posted flyer and curious reader but

it’s not a control issue

at least not in how i thought and still do
the issue is i am scared i can not handle control if i ever get it

no wait

its not a control issue

at least not how i thought and still do the issue is i think i need control when in actuality i do not
i need harmony

yeah that one sounds right though you can imagine my doubt as i’m both conceptualizing writing crossing out and rewriting as i simultaneously read and reread intrigued playing cat and mouse with myself as if my brain were a duplex not a normal house much less a home picture a jagged blade stop starting over thread frayed

oh how disjointedly i roam

so while i both bow after and applaud my efforts each time i think write act i am finding my thoughts to betray what small fragments of the real i have left i know the sunrise i call to mind when reaching back into my memories searching for a calmer time is wrong

blurry

unfocused as if im looking at it through water in my eyes

that’s it

i’m still at swim lessons. i hope dad gets here soon.

Hope

The tyranny of deterioration
The suffering that I see all around
I gaze upon ongoing assassination
Our desecration of He who rose from the ground

I notice this all only
If I am lucky enough to look beyond my own skin
And I know Jesus instructed us to look within
But how can I stomach myself if I know my own sin?

Still I replace the back of my eyelids with mirrors
Close my eyes and face my fears
Face all the times I’ve reveled in and revered
Waters from which I should have steered my vessel clear

To carry on living in such a state
Wars within and without
End in sight
It can breed apathy
To continue to watch the world go by
And our lives, turning pages without reading
The words because previous grammatical lessons
Have rendered us nothing but pain, and
Suffering makes the end that much harder to gain and…

I mean to say that I’m crushed.

The combined weight of the world, my heart and my mind
Has proven too much.

Yet still I crawl. Still I hope.
Still I bite and scratch to feel
And to know what I don’t have the strength to know.

For it is a task bigger than I can take
To fully recognize the Goodness in all
To fully surrender to the fact that
God has already broken our fall…

I think it takes a courage to Hope
I think it takes a courage to exist
Outside the scope of our reasoning
And wait for His plan to persist
Throughout the ages as it always has

And always will.

Though I still can’t shake from
My mind’s eye the first time He
Took me in dream up with Him in
The sky and despite the joyous Company
Present all I could do was cry because I
Could not recognize anything at all.

And though He pried and pried
And longed to by my Guide my
Pride pushed that aside as part
Of me never wanted to give up the
Hell I knew I deserved.

I remember He held me close
As I wanted to separate
Since I knew I hadn’t the strength
To wait for what I considered my
Absolution. An impossibility.

And then He whispered, “I am the Solution.”
As I dreamt us over starry bends.
And then pushing back against God’s will
I cried out, “I’ve failed you once, what if it happens again?”

“What if it happens again?”

He responded by opening my eyes,
And I felt the Sun come in.

—–

To hope through the darkness in our hearts
And the darkness in these lands
Is not something I claim to understand
But it is something I have resolved to stake
My being on as firmly as I can.

Because I’ve seen His tears through the holes in His hands.
He sees a different everything, and I’ve heard His command.

So He has wished, so I shall stand.

Maybe Next Time

Silence has never pistol whipped me so hard.

I’m not sure what it all means
The dreams, the things
I wish I could say and do
Spending all my evenings imagining that
They could be organized around you

Not pining
Not pressing
Nor drinking, undressing

Nothing like that
The time I wish to spend
Is far too pressing

Maybe we could do nothing. Maybe just laugh
Or maybe I could witness you as you are alone
Gaining access to space where you
Reach back into each joy, each sin
Where you splinter off the memories
You embed in your walls
And graft them to your skin
Where the reruns of old pain
Old memories kept, old pleasure
No longer direct, comes bubbling up
And is seen in full measure

An intimate portrait of your life
The greatest gift you could give

You say you can’t trust, you say you
Are scared of the depths

I don’t think you’re wrong

I just wish I could tell you
I’d give you my best

I wouldn’t tell you to burn everything
I wouldn’t tell you to melt down your armor

I would tell you what I can’t.

But it seems for you to hear me
Would be to change your nature
And to change would break my heart

Please know I recognize your beauty
I have recognized it from the start.